Vivian, 94, and Jake, 92, (pseudonyms) are going their separate ways after a long and happy marriage. It breaks Vivian’s heart as she choreographs their ending.
The two have been married since 1990 when they were each around 60. She had two children from her first marriage of 20 years, and he had four, all well into adulthood at that time. She taught dance at UGA until 1994 and he had already retired as a navy captain.
“Both sets of children were fine with the remarriage,” Vivian recalls. “We had family reunions. We were on good terms with our former spouses. On the whole, we all cared about one another.”
Sensible decisions
Inheritance issues were discussed and resolved at the beginning. The two kept their finances separate and split the house payment and utilities of the house they built together.
For three decades, the couple lived an interesting, varied life of travel and volunteerism both near and far. Each had a separate life of interests and friendships as well, although grandparenting was not one of those.
“The family is scattered all over the map – it’s where people live in America today,” says Vivian, “particularly in a second marriage.”
Fourteen years ago when he was 78 and she 80, they decided to sell their home and split the proceeds so they could move into an apartment.
“He didn’t want any more home upkeep and neither of us wanted to own something that the other would have to deal with on their own,” Vivian explains.
What next?
Apartment living was very agreeable to the couple – the complex was convenient, attractive and affordable at $2,000 a month for a three-bedroom.
“For the last six or seven years, we talked about moving into an assisted living, not because of health issues but because the advice is to start planning for it,” says Vivian. “We did investigate several places but either they were too expensive, or they didn’t have a kitchen or there was a wait for a two-bedroom.”
In the meantime, neither one had serious health problems or cognitive decline – both were still driving. But what they didn’t see were “the small declines that were occurring, or we saw them, but we just let them go.”
Things came to a head last January when Jake went for cataract surgery follow-up and his blood pressure and heart rate were so high that the physician wanted him to go to the emergency room immediately. He refused so they sent him to the hospital and found he had atrial fibrillation.
“He was in the hospital for three days, but we didn’t think much of it,” although it began a cascade of medical crises over the next two months, including heart failure, a bad fall, hospitalization again, and rehab that he refused to do. That meant he couldn’t continue at the rehab facility and would have to move to a nursing home or assisted living.
In the meantime, Vivian was becoming exhausted, going back and forth to the rehab facility.
“I was so tired from going out there every day,” she remembers. “Everybody says ‘you look great’ but I’m 94. I have cervical stenosis. I don’t hear well. What happens if I fall? If I can’t drive anymore? I have no one in Athens I can count on because my friends have their own health issues and the younger people I know have busy lives.”
Splitting up
“It all happened so fast,” says Vivian’s daughter Cynthia, who lives in California with her wife. She had already told her mother three years before that if the day came that she needed her, she was prepared to take care of her, should something happen to Jake. Now, though, Vivian needed her, but Jake was still alive; “I couldn’t take care of both of them – our house is very small.”
Jake’s daughter, Sue, 65, in Greenville, S.C. had been going back and forth, visiting and touring facilities. Everyone understood they needed to make a quick decision because if Jake declined further, he wouldn’t be eligible to be in an assisted living facility.
Ultimately, Jake moved to an assisted living facility in Greenville after Vivian wrote Sue a long letter, “This is not going to be a win-win, this is a lose-lose, and everybody has to help out.” While Sue thought Vivian should keep Jake here, Vivian explained that if something happened to her, Vivian, Sue would then have both to care for.
If Vivian moved to Greenville, that would still leave Sue with all the caregiving, and “I then wouldn’t have anyone to care about me like my own daughter will.”
Vivian says the saving grace is that Jake is not unhappy although he wishes she was there, beside him. “He’s gotten very simplistic, mellow, resigned. He can’t walk at all; his body is frail. If he were cognitively fine, he would approve of me going to California – he’s practical.”
“I thoroughly believe I’ve made the right decision under the circumstances. I’ve had some painful incidents in my life, but this has been the most painful. When you’re young and resilient, you bounce back. I won’t bounce back.”
Leaving on a jet plane
Vivian spent six months getting rid of furniture, household items, art, and even her journals.
“It’s a spiritual journey of letting go – there’s a lot of inner work to be done if you’re of that temperament.”
“This has aged me 10 years – the heartbreak,” she exclaims, but “my message for today is, ‘I don’t want to die sad’; it’s been such a beautiful, adventurous life. My daughter has a wonderful sense of humor. I’m going for the laughter!”
Vivian reports that she’s settling in at her daughter’s and that she and Jake have communicated by Facetime. “I do a 15-minute monologue, and he says, “Remind me where are you?” Vivian says she’s learning from her daughter’s cat: “Patches is teaching me to stay calm as we gaze out the window together.”
Betsy Bean is founder and publisher of Boom Magazine.
