Men on a Mission to Build Friendships
On every other Friday morning, a small group of older men gathers in a local library to chat—not about their latest book reads, but to discuss meaningful topics and shared interests.
What began as an intellectual discussion group called Wisemen has turned into a close-knit group of friends who share the challenges of growing older. Today, they go by the Men’s Roundtable.
It all began in 2018 when two members of OLLI@UGA wanted to create a group focused on the unique issues of older men in retirement who, so often, find their meaning solely through their work. OLLI, affiliated with the Osher Lifelong Learning Institute, organizes educational and recreational opportunities for seniors and encourages its members to create Shared Interest Groups known as SIGs.
The late Andy Horne, a former dean of the UGA College of Education, and Peter Balsamo, a retired continuing education administrator who moved to Athens in 2016, had come across a model called Wisdom Works based at the University of North Carolina, Asheville. That group was having success with regular meetings led by a facilitator who encourages each man in the group to share what has been happening in his life since their last meeting. Then members are invited to delve deeper into their updates, giving them space to explore issues that might be especially pressing.
What began as one group, then became two groups, and now three groups, who meet on different days and weeks. According to Bob Schneller, facilitator of the Friday group, the meetings start with a casual check-in and discussion of practical concerns, like asking for recommendations for a good plumber, suggestions for a catered dinner, or updates on a home landscaping project. The meetings then turn to deeper, philosophical topics for discussion, like stress triggers, happiness hacks, or current events —conversations that Schneller says help the members “get to know each other on a more meaningful level.”
Norman Baldwin, a retired professor from Alabama, says he enjoys the intellectual stimulation of his group.
“The Wisemen have allowed me to make friends that overcome loneliness, provide sage advice, stimulate me—and last but not least—entertain me,” Baldwin says. “They are fun guys with depth of character that add to the meaning of my life.”
While some topics are more intellectual, Jack Lance says his group veers “from swaying people in ideologies of religion and politics.
“In this environment, we can talk and share things about education and about life and about marriage and about children and about whatever, and we can share pretty freely our opinions,” Lance says. Confidentiality is a key component of the group.
Deeper friendships have developed outside group meetings with some members gathering for coffee, grabbing lunch, or going on a hike. Schneller says he has developed stronger relationships since he joined his group, which is important since he doesn’t have any family besides his wife in Athens.
“It’s good to talk about serious things with somebody. I’ve had discussions with one guy in our group about personal financial stuff, about family issues,” Schneller says. “It’s kind of nice to have a support group where if you want some advice with something, there’s somebody that you can call on that you trust.”
The strong bonds of the groups are particularly valuable in the challenges of late life. One member was homebound while recovering from a recent surgery. Members of the group brought food and visited with the widower every other day.
Loneliness Trends
A recent New York Times story about the disappearance of male friendships cites a 2024 survey by the Survey Center on American Life that found only 26 percent of American males have six or more close friends, compared to 55 percent of males in 1990. The survey also found that 17 percent have no close friends, creating a dangerous situation as men age.
According to a 2022 report by the Centers for Disease Control, 22.9 percent per 100,000 U.S. men died by suicide. Men aged 75 and older had the highest suicide rate of any demographic group at an estimated 43.9 percent per 100,000.
Dennis Cauhy, a retired psychotherapist and licensed clinical social worker, is a member of Balsamo’s Friday group and understands the important role friendships play for older men.
“You can be surrounded by people but not feel connected,” Cauhy says. “In the life cycle, people divorce, people lose a spouse, they may have an estrangement, and this all colors the kind of stratosphere that I think we adults live in.
“We men are terrible about talking about our feelings,” Cauhy adds. “If you have a 75- or 80-year-old man, I’m going to bet dollars to donuts that he’s never learned how to be in touch with his feelings.”
This is particularly difficult, he says, for those who had busy careers and then suddenly had to adjust to retirement, creating a hole where there had been work relationships.
“We’re so socialized to think it’s all about work, work, work, and accomplishment,” he says. “We feel like we’re frauds, because we don’t really know how to be authentic, how to be in touch with ourselves.”
Planning for the Future
In the busy-ness of career and family, how can men avoid loneliness and isolation later in life?
“When you’re in your middle age, I think you have to prepare for the change of your social and relationship circles,” Cauhy says. “Just like you plan for your retirement, plan for the fact that your social landscape, your interpersonal landscape, your relationships in general, will change.”
For more information on the Wisemen Shared Interest Group, email olli@uga.edu.
Tracy N. Coley worked for nearly 30 years in communications at the University of Georgia where she earned a MFA in narrative nonfiction writing. She is owner of Lucky Dog Press, a local boutique book publishing firm offering writers individualized guidance. She also teaches classes on writing craft and writing through grief and trauma.
